I haven't written a personal blog post in a while. A lot has happened recently and I've found myself struggling to put it all into words, which is weird because I'm a writer. That's what I'm supposed to be able to do best.
I guess that there right is the problem. Lately, I’ve been pretty hard on myself.
I’m back at school now for my senior year of college. Everyone around me is drinking 24/7. Okay, I know that’s an exaggeration, we obviously go to class (Hi Mom), but that’s what it feels like. Everyone is ordering Dominos at 3 in the morning when they get back from the bars and I’m sitting there eating a banana and trying to make light of the situation but also wishing that, just for once, I could be normal too and eat a slice of really, really bad pizza.
Like I said, I’ve been pretty hard on myself lately, but it’s not because I’m doing anything wrong. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m doing everything completely right. I’m going to the gym 4-5 times a week, I’m meal-prepping as much as humanly possible (I mean, have you ever met a 21-year-old who’s so dedicated to making yogurt that takes TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TO FERMENT?). I’m running a club, I’m studying, and I’ve even secured a job for post-grad that genuinely makes me excited at the thought of going into work every day. Because I’m trying to do everything so right, when the smallest thing goes wrong, I’m so quick to blame myself for not having done EVEN MORE to ensure perfection.
If you watch my Instagram stories - and if you don’t, please do, I’m trying to run a business here, people - you know that I tried to make myself a batch of some good old chocolate chip cookies the other night. The key word is tried. You see, I thought I’d give @kalejunkie Life-Changing Chocolate Chip Tahini Cookies a shot. They’re all over Instagram. Everyone is making them, and, so, I thought I would, too. As it turns out, even though sesame seeds are low FODMAP, which I’ve been eating, tahini itself is apparently high FODMAP. Of course, I didn’t realize this until after I made the batter, ate some of the batter, and baked all of the cookies. I was frustrated, like really frustrated. Admittedly, in retrospect, I got more upset than I should have, but your girl just wanted to have some chocolate chip cookies and to not have her stomach upset. I tried to do it all right, but I felt as if I had failed.
I think acceptance is the word I’ve been looking for here. It’s a relatively simple concept, but it’s also kind of hard to do. If I’m going to stop being so hard on myself, I need to start practicing some self-acceptance. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, because it’s not. I’m just saying that I need to start accepting the fact that it’s okay to not have it all together all the time. It’s okay to mess up and it’s okay to take a day off from the gym or not cook for a night. It might’ve taken some tahini and a batch of chocolate chip cookies for me to realize it, but it’s time for me to accept that I’m not going to be perfect, I’m still learning, and, maybe, that’s the whole point.